these are not my people I should never have come here

Friday, May 14, 2010

danced like a queen, hands waving free in 10 sunsets and in wild winds

I still can’t believe this happened

That you’re gone, that you were taken

So violently, so quickly

You constantly pop around my mind

It feels so bad, I ache while you stand there

I knew you as my little friend

So kind and always trying to be good to us all

The three of us clung to each other when you disappeared

Sometimes we were quiet under our blankets, sometimes we cried out loudly

I couldn’t control anything so I would scream the pain out into my pillow

they found you alone under an old tossed out Christmas tree

i heard someone say it while i stood in an empty grocery store parking lot

People told me it was ok to mourn you...
They sent letters of sympathy and brought over home-made soups to comfort us

Strangers came to our door step with cameras and microphones,

FBI agents read off a list of questions the room we all useto share laughs in

Through all of the chaos your beautiful face left a watermark over everything I saw

Days passed so slow and safety was never felt

I brainstormed the ways I could have saved you…If only I could.

Even now, I still feel that I will never be at peace with this thought.

In dreams you visited me,

Every time I’d hug you tightly and say over and over, “YOU’RE ALIVE! YOU’RE ALIVE! YOU’RE ALIVE!”

I mostly avoided going into your empty room...

once or twice though, i sat on the floor and imagined you sitting at your desk, doing homework or getting ready to 90's hip-hop 

the pink walls we initially objected to, now seems to hold me in my greif
weeks and months passed but i couldn't bring myself to delete you...  i'd be looking for someones number and see your name.

3 years ago we spent our days in the Santa Barbara sun, smoking menthol lights to feel young and carefree

3 years ago evil merely existed in our TV sets and only happened to those sad souls we felt sorry for

Evil now sits in a crowded court room filled with your family and previous victims

He stains the only memories I have of you; his face haunts me when I try to sleep

Are you ok where you are now?

Do you know how much we are always thinking about you?

Please tell me, assure me, that you know that we have never stopped holding you in our hearts.

It never stops hurting and it never makes sense.

You are supposed to be here. You are supposed to be 22 years old.

People always ask why… they want answers to the answerless, closure to the uncloseable, and peace from the endless torture

In my mind I can’t see how any of these would make it any easier, would make you losing any less horrific

In the coming days you will never be far from my hands

when I think of you, you will be there in brightly colored flower meadows, smiling your smile… laughing while the butterflies kiss your checks

and someday when i see you, not to far along, we will make up for lost time
 Always on my mind love, always on my mind.

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